change

"I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see you clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
So i drew a new face and I laughed.
I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities
And just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue."

This is an excerpt from Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours." I love this song. The part above just makes me smile. I hope to be like that again someday.

I'm struggling with trying to "find myself" again lately. I'm back home, trying to find some swing of things to get into for the next four months (that seem to drag on forever, and it's only week one). I'm realizing that though I long to be back at school right now, I'm much safer here. I think more clearly. My mind is not fogged by the haze that is college -- the alcohol, the music, the intense stress and hours upon hours of studying, the smoke, the mj, the boys (oooh, the boys), and the wasted times. Of course, much of what I'm leaving behind right now is what I miss the most. I do absolutely love being a college student. I'm thriving, really I am.

But like I said, I think more clearly when I'm at home. No, I don't feel like I can really spread my wings here, but I have a better sense of who I am. I'm stronger, I know myself more, I stand up for myself and for what I really want. I'm not as uncertain about things. Standing here, I see the world as an adventure I can't quite reach. Standing at school, I see the parties as an adventure, but a very different type of adventure that I don't really want to fill my life up with.

I have so much history here, so much painful history, and I'm actually looking for an out of town job for the purpose of avoiding as many people from my exchurch as I possibly can. But I'm also much closer to the raw mess of what became of my heart during those times. I've avoided that rawness, that honesty, for the past few years, because it hurts, it hurts a lot.

I think it's the raw flesh of my heart that is most easy and willing to change. Anything to get it out of the state it's in. Well, I've tried "anything" at college. And it's unfufilling. And now, I'm hurt from that as well.

But I'm ready to grow up a lot. I'm tired of trying myself and falling. I'm tired of trying to find the arms to hold me and make the pain stop. I'm tired of the drugs and alcohol that numb the pain only as much as the last. I'm really ready to put this behind me this summer and let what happened in the past be in the past and start looking toward the future and what I need for my life right now. I want to find the adventure I need and take it. And I'm accepting that if I'm alone for that, if I'm not in the process of joining my life with someone else's during that adventure, that's ok. I'll be ok alone. I really will.


Conclusion: I think my heart had to get trampled on a little bit to get me here. here is where the pages turn. Here is where I change.