Derek

"Hunny, I think Derek's going to have to hurt you real bad for you to finally leave him." We were standing in the omlet line at the caf, two finals down and one to go when Jordan said this. She had just recently broken up with her boyfriend of four years. She was speaking from experience.

"I know, I know," I said, looking at the floor. I've been trying to break things off with Derek for a long time. I love him, I really do, but I've compromised so much of what I've always believed for him and I just couldn't do it anymore. He had a lot of problems, a lot of baggage, and I don't know where it all stems from. At twenty-one, he's been an alcoholic for probably at least four years, and while I connect with him intimately, he's been with a lot of women, and I could always feel that he wasn't all there when we were having sex.

Hours later, finals finished, I walked into my room to my roomate, Kelly, sitting on the couch with that we-need-to-talk-and-i-don't-want-to-be-the-one-to-tell-you look on her face. I knew immediately that it was about Derek and it wouldn't be good. Kel had just left her friend's room, after she had announced to Kelly that she's been sleeping with Derek for months, and how bad she felt for me that I didn't know.

I took off. I drove for hours on roads I didn't know. I cried. I screamed.

I went back to school and confronted Derek. I raised my voice and he nearly cried. I wanted to cry then. I wanted him to see my tears, but I was just furiously angry. I left and told him I didn't want to see him anymore, that I couldn't see him anymore.

How desperately I want to see him now.

That wasn't even a week ago. Since then, I sat down with my parents and confessed to them everything that happened with Derek. They took it surprisingly well.

At this moment, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm heartbroken, and I want him to hold me so desperately. I want to lie in his arms and cry. I want to kiss his face, his neck, his chest. I want to hold him and tell him that things can be better, that he can change. I don't want to accept that it's over. I want to think that in a year, in a month, in a week, he'll call me, tell me he's changed, and he'll be what I've always needed him to be.

But I'm realizing some things now. For him to change, he needs to first hit rock bottom. He needs to see himself completely broken. He needs to see how he broke me and other girls in his past. He needs to see the opportunities he's walked out on, and be completely and totally ripped apart. He needs to have two options: give up and die, or get help.

I pray he hits bottom soon. If he doesn't, he will never change, no matter what I or anyone else says. He will never be the man he can be if he doesn't fall.

Sometimes, I think he's close. The things he'd say to me while I held his aching head to my chest when he'd had too much to drink . . . he's coming closer to the edge than he ever had before. I hope he falls soon. I want him to fall and I want him to fall hard and soon, so he can start getting back up.

God, I pray that you break him, I pray that you break him so much, that he can actually see you for the first time. I pray that you break him hard enough that he has to hope and have faith. I pray that you put people in his life who can help him when he breaks, and I pray that you help me stay out of it. I pray that he chooses help, and that he chooses you. I pray you help him back to his feet. I pray that you change him.

Let him see who he hurt. Let him feel the pain, let him feel all of it, and let him be overwhelmed enough to call out your name. Let him be angry at whatever happened to him, but don't let him turn to alcohol or replacement pain.

Don't let him just continue as he is right now. Break him God, please, break him.

Then heal him, please, heal him.

And heal me.

I'm worth more than the level I stooped to this year. I'm worth more than a guy who treats me like meat. I'm worth more than sex. I'm worth more than my body.

I ask that you make me stronger and wiser because of this. Give me new strength and new focus. Help me keep my mind off of him unless it is in prayer.

I want to seize opportunities and return to who I used to be before I compromised so much.

Be with me. Be with him. Keep us both.

Help me forgive him.