Worship?

I've been struggling so much lately with the idea of where worship fits in my life anymore. For the longest time after getting out of the church, I would say that the part I missed the most was the worship. Worship at my exchurch was beautiful. The woman leading it had a beautiful voice, the arrangement was gorgeous, the band was good, the songs were young and easy to "get-into." Now, however, I'm questioning whether that really was worship at all, or if it was just a free concert with pretty, emotion filled songs that really meant nothing at all when it came to this God we were supposed to be acknowledging. I've been questioning it even more recently, as the woman who used to lead the worship and mentored me for years has left her family for a married man, an affair took place on the team, and from what I've heard, in the past few years, the entire worship service was so focussed on preformance and very little actual worship actually took place.

My question now? Do I even need any of this to worship? I believe that I had experiences there where I was in a meditative worship of the real God, not the fake god that place tried to show me. I really do believe that, but I think what was going on there prohibitted me from seeing this more than it helped.

Two years into college, five years out of the church, and I'm finding pressure from my Christian friends at school to go back to church, get back into worship, find God again . . . What the fuck? Do I need church to worship? Do I need church to see God? Do I need other people to lead me into worship? Explain that to me, when I can't even sit through a church service now without feeling great anxiety or disgust or nausea. I dread days I have to go to church. I've had to go a few times since coming to school for different reasons: record the college choir, a baby is being dedicated, a couple is getting married and I'm in the wedding. How am I supposed to worship there when I've never felt like it was true worship to begin with, and when I can't get my mind away from thinking "get me the fuck out of here now, please."

There's this patio out the side of my house where I always stand when I let my two dogs out. When things were really bad with my church for my family, when we were in the worst of it, and massive amounts of shit were hitting the fan, I needed to get out bad, but I was only 14,15,16, and I couldn't drive. So I'd let the dogs out and just stand there. I'd look up at the stars and I'd talk. "I can't do this anymore, I can't breathe. God, this hurts so bad. Where are you? How can I do this? Anything, give me anything to get out. Give me anyway to be free. All I can do now is cut, I don't want that anymore, but I don't see you, and it's the only thing that helps. God, fuck you. How could you let this happen? You can't possibly be who they think you are if you're hearing this. Do you hear me. Fuck you. I hope you hear this. Fuck you." Sounds terrible. Sounds sacreligious. Sounds heretical.

That was my worship at that time. I was at least acknowledging. I was alone and in contact with whoever the hell this Being was or is. I was honest. And I really believe he heard me.

I don't think that's all worship should be -- a rageful rampage at the supernatural -- but I think I was hitting on something even then. I don't need these people standing on a stage singing empty words that really mean nothing to get to the heart of what worship is. I don't need a band or the music or the people. Just me and him. Just the honesty and him. Call it a prayer, call it worhip, call it heracy, I don't care. It worked for me. It still works for me.