Taking Care of Me

This is where I dont want to be honest with myself. This is where things start to hurt. This is where I have to deal with consequences I don't want to deal with.

Roommate #1 called me yesterday and said those dreaded words: we need to talk. I got back to the room, already pretty much knowing what it was going to be about. Roommate talked to her friend. Friend said she slept with my boyfriend not too long ago. God, I sure know how to pick them don't I?

I was furious. I haven't been that angry since the last time I saw my pastor (wish that was a joke, but I'm serious). I got in my car and just wanted to go anywhere fast, so I drove for about an hour. Boyfriend was working on his senior project. I was crying behind the wheel. I speed all the time, but I never got pulled over til last night. I think it may have been somewhat of a blessing that I did get pulled over, cuz it got me to slow down. I smoked a pack of cigarrettes in the next few hours, and that got me to stop crying. I cleaned my entire room from top to bottom, and called my cousin. She told me to get tested, to break up with him, to take care of myself. Boyfriend called me when I finished his project, around 1 AM, so I went over to see him. Sat on his desk and asked him how it went. Asked him when he was leaving. Asked him how long he had been sleeping with her.

Silence.

I asked him again.

He looked like he was about to lie to me.

Don't fucking lie to me.

I didn't want to hurt you.

You fucking lied to me. How could you?

It was just once, last semester. I didn't want to hurt you.

Just once? Roommate said it's been going on all year.

Silence.

He denied it. But I don't really believe his denial.

Fuck you. I can't believe you. I need to get tested. I thought I was pregnant with you. I was faithful to you. I trusted you. I compromised so much for you. Fuck you.

Silence from his end still.

Fuck you. I'm done. I'm out. I don't want to hear from you anymore.

He just stood there. I thought he was going to cry. But he and I are too much alike. Neither of us can cry at moments like that. He just looks like he wants to die. And my legs and hands shake.

I think I'm too empathetic. Boyfriend has a lot of problems. I'll admit it now, I think he's an alcoholic, or will be very soon if he's not already. There's something in his past he's not facing, too many things he can't remember doing, scars he doesn't remember getting, nightmares that plague him. He drinks too much to forget things, and when he gets drunk, he does stupid stuff. Lately, he's been sleeping with Jess. Ouch. Major ouch.

I don't want to make excuses for him. I don't want to say what he did is ok. I refuse to be treated like that. And I know I should have known better, because Boyfriend has slept with a lot of girls. But I kind of see it as his problem, not as something he's trying to do to me. I see it as his form of cutting, his way of detatching, of keeping everyone at arms length and never letting anyone inside. I see it as something he needs to change, something he can heal from, but I'm not sure he'll ever get to that point.

I loved boyfriend. But I was proud of myself last night, because I stood there as he slumped in a chair and stood up for myself. I told him I was better than that, that I deserve better than that, that I refuse to be treated like that. No one deserves to be treated like that. I told him he's never going to be able to be with a woman and love her unless he changes and lets someone in. He said he knows. I said I hope he does change for his sake, but that I was done. I told him I really cared about him. He said he cared about me too, and I said I didn't want to hear that right then. He said, I know but I do care,and I want you to hear that.

I don't want to have sympathy for him. I didn't want to last night either. I leaned down and kissed his head. I put my arms around his neck. He reached up and squeezed me really tight and I sat down on his lap and he held me for a long time. I said I wish we could fix this, but we can't. I wish we could make it all better, but I'm out. I loved you, but I'm out. I don't want to leave this room becaus I know it's goodbye.

I stood and took his hands, pulled him up. Hugged him really tight. Sometimes I wish I could just cry, but I couldn't. He kissed my head. He kissed my lips. He pecked my lips. He kissed my lips. He kissed me deeply. I pulled away. He said "See ya." I said, "No." He looked sad. I walked out of there and didn't look back.

I was so angry last night. This morning, I'm terribly hurt. And I'm terribly scared. I'm getting tested soon, I feel like I need to be. I feel comfort in that he said he's been tested recently, and that he's fine. I'm still going. I want to call him, ask him to come over, I want to cry in his arms for a while, beg him to change.

I think I'm the one changing right now though. It's been a long time since I've stood up for myself with a guy and said I deserve better and want better. As bitchy as it sounds, I think I'm probably the best he's ever had, because I cared about who he is, I was faithful to him, and I would have kept treating him right.

I'm going to be alone for a while, do some writing, make some money, and spend time with my friends. I hope in a few years I run into boyfriend, and I hope at that point, he's grown up and changed a lot.

I'm scared for him though, cuz I really feel like I'm going to be reading is obituary in two decades when he drinks himself to death.

But I have to take care of me now.