I was reading barb's post today where she was talking about how her kids have been hurt through the church, and how can she now help them when she doesn't feel like she has anything left to measure the acceptable/right/true things anymore (ok, big summary, but i'm exhausted, and right now, i think that's part of what she was saying). I don't usually respond to posts, but I couldn't help but respond to this one. As the child of a family that has divorced itself from an abusive church, I had every rule that had been handed to me on a silver platter, neatly wrapped and packaged at the time, knocked out of my hands with one hell of a blow. There weren't even pieces left to pick up.
So I took a hard swing to the side. From perfect Christian girl to falling apart college girl, I had all the sex and alcohol and drugs I could possibly want at my disposal. I didn't hit it as hard core as I could have. I mean, I've only had sex with one guy I thought I loved, stayed away from most drugs, and I drink . . . ok, a fair amount.
I just think it's kind of ironic how both my church and this opposing lifestyle I've lived for the past two years have both left me with deep wounds that won't seem to heal. Both have left me lonely. Both have left me wanting for something more.
If neither of these extremes work at all in the quest for truth and love and something real, then what is the balance? How can I have a rule that doesn't make me want to vomit with legalism? How can I obey them blindly with out being a pharisee? How can I advise my baby sister not to walk the same road I have without being a hypocrite? How can I give my heart to someone else someday without feeling like I have no standards left to judge a guy with?
I feel like I lost all I believed in, except for Jesus. (I have to admit, I hate calling him that . . . when I talk about God, I'm usually referring to the Jesus part of that God. Jesus was just a name that was overused for me, and it's become almost a cliche, stupid thing to say . . . saying "Dear Jesus," is the same to me as "Dear Santa" . . . but for the purposes of this blog, I'm going to try to just suck it up and call him that). I never stopped believing in him.
Everything else, I'm building from the ground up now. I don't know where to draw the lines, how far left or right they should be, or if I should be going about drawing lines for myself at all. I've hit on the unfulfilling. More broken and prime for change than ever, where is the fulfilling?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I have a big favor to ask. I also am a survivor of a spiritually abusive church. On my blog, TH in SoC, I have been discussing my experiences in the abusive church I attended and my experiences with American evangelicalism after leaving my abusive church. I was wondering if you would like to send me your answers to some questions that I will be publishing in an upcoming post. The questions are as follows:
1.Could you briefly describe the abuse you suffered within an “evangelical” church? What did you do about it? Have you since joined another church?
2.My blog, TH in SoC, has discussed several problems relating to American evangelicalism. Do you agree with my assessment? Do you see any problems I missed?
3.Do you believe that churches in America are safe places? If not, what are two or three things that would make them safer?
If you leave your answers as a comment on http://thinsoc.blogspot.com, I'd really appreciate it. If you'd rather not, I certainly understand. And if you don't mind, I will post a link to your blog on my next post. If you'd rather not publish this comment, feel free to delete it. Thanks again!
Post a Comment