Wallow

"Well you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you've won."

Lyrics excerpted from the song "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard.


I think I might actually just need to dwell and, as they say in the Gilmore household, "wallow" about Derek for a while, like Nic suggested. At least just take a night and cry it out, get it out of my system.

I've struggled with mild depression for a few years now. It seems to go with all the ups and downs with my religious beliefs and my faith. Since the my exchurch fell apart in front of me, I've struggled. I've left that, yet I still struggle, and the emotional wreckage that the whole ordeal caused is still part of who I am. Unwilling to go on anti-depressants because of the the job stipluations that would cause me if I ever decided to work in the criminal justice field, I've tried some over the counter stuff to self-medicate, and while it worked for the time I really needed it, I recently stopped taking it cold turkey. I did this partly because I lost the bottle in the move back from school, and partly because I hate being on stuff like that for very long. The problem with quitting mood supplements is it can drop your mood before you return to normal.

Me, being the "strong" person I always thought I had to be (partially personality, partially what I was told), decided I wouldn't wallow or dwell on Derek, I would just be strong. As a result, I refuse to cry, talk about him too much, think about him all the time, dream about him every night, and keep checking my phone every five minutes. This needs to stop, and maybe the night of just letting myself dwell on it and wallow in the pain will actually let me let go by letting the grief just kind of run it's course.

We shall see.

Nicotinecrayon, here I come . . .