My grandmother is in for a visit. She's a little senile these days. I love her, but she drives me crazy. I was sitting in the living room, on a big cushy couch, just trying to read a little bit, and she keeps talking. She was going on and on, talking about the characters in her fiction books as though they are her neighbors and everything in the books is actually real (please god, don't let her ever pick up a sci-fi book) and telling me how her robotic Roomba vaccuum cleaner is confused, because she let someone else borrow it and now it doesn't know who's house it's at. "And just when I was finally getting it trained." She's a bit of a riot, really.
So I keep having these dreams full of Derek. The more I seem to be doing better without him during the day, the more I dream about him at night. I was all excited yesterday because of this guy I know from school. He graduated last year, but was back for a semester to take a class I was in. I didn't know him well enough to talk to him, but I had this baby crush on him the whole semester. I got to talking to him a little bit over the next semester. I talked to him online last night, and he's coming into town to visit some mutual friends and wanted to know if I'd be around.
Honestly, I know it's not going to go anywhere. I was just enjoying the flirtiness of the conversation, and realize to ensure that I'll respect myself, I probably shouldn't see him this weekend. I don't see it ending well.
But regardless, it got my mind off of Derek, and I really needed that. Alas, I dreamed about Derek the whole night. I dreamed he was in bed next to me, I dreamed it was our first time, I dreamed that I fell in love with him right there, and I dreamed that I rolled over and there were two other girls in his bed. Ouch. Yeah, that's kind of how it felt.
*Sigh* I really wish I could just move on from this easier. I wish I could just heal. I'm having hard time believing that there really are decent guys out there who could catch my fancy anymore.
I'm gonna try to just keep focusing on myself these days, keep getting me back to where I need to be with life. I need to get organized, I need to get happy, I need to get busy enough that I don't have time to dwell on the heartache anymore.
And yet, part of me wants to just lay in bed all day and do just that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
maybe you haven't had the proper amount of time to just dwell? sometimes that's what it takes. is a good friend, more ice cream and pizza than an entire football team could eat and some really sappy love stories to get you crying good and hard. i know it sounds like a really bad idea, but doing that and talking about it all night and dwelling will get it out of your system. =[ maybe that is what you need?
i know it's what i needed. anyway, you know you're welcome here any time. =] i'll supply the wine and excess amounts of unhealthy food. you just rent the sappy stories and bring pajamas. =]
i love you!
Post a Comment