Yeah, this one won't make much sense yet

A month is too long for me to go without writing.

I'm running out of energy as the days go by, running around from work to other responsibilities, and I'm feeling myself losing focus. Already late for my desired bed time, I'm just going to blurb on here, things I want to say, in short sentences, to be expanded on at a later date.

I went to see Derek for lunch. I never say what I need to say. I believe I am a strong person, but when he's involved in my life, I surrender my power to him, and I turn into a weak, weak coward. And he keeps telling me not to think so much. He knows if I think at all, I'll truly realize how bad he is for me, and walk away without ever looking back. He seems to think he's going to marry me. That would be hell in the end, I'm sure of it.


Moving right along . . . I want to discipline myself to find control and balance over my body. I want strength and focus and the ability to relax all the centers of my body at will. I believe if I can do this, I will likewise be able to focus and control both my anger and my sex drive -- probably my two biggest downfalls, if I'm being honest. If I can, at will, tune down and redirect my anger through breathing or stretching, perhaps my mind will take the moment to focus and get a grip on reality and I will therefore be able to make better decisions -- decisions that are less self-destructive and bloodthirsty. I believe gaining control over my body could in turn make me a better, more balanced person.

I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. I want to want you, but I'm so afraid you won't want me back, or that you will, then you'll take my heart, rip it out of my chest, and leave me more broken in pieces than I already am. I can't take much more of that. I'd rather be alone forever than hurt like that again.

Now I'm tired, and I have early responsibilities and my thoughts are already out of control. This is day one of beginning to try to focus and clear my mind and control my body. Maybe sleep will even come easier if I can do this.