Doors

So I'm feeling a little like I'm on speed currently. I did something to my neck a few days ago, so my doc put me on steriods to help it heal faster, which helped a ton with the pain and movement, but I haven't been able to sleep more than a few hours for the past few days.

I've been running from the memory of my church for a long time now -- five years. I wanted everyone out of my life, I hate talking to my family about it, I want nothing to do with what happned and what was -- even who I once was. That girl I used to be -- the good-two-shoes, private Christian school girl, all modesty on the outside, all jumbled up on the inside, the honesty hidden behind pages and pages of doctrine -- the thought of her makes me nauseous. She's so far from where I'm at now. And even though I'm a little more scared, and maybe I've been hurt a little bit more and carry a hell of a lot more baggage now than I did then, I like myself a lot better this way. It's honest.

What I find ironic is how my summer is turning out. I spending more time with people from that era of my life than I spend talking to people from the college era of my life. And it's strange, because these friends of mine, they're all people I never really was friends with back then. It's this group of guys who were a few years ahead of my in youth group. I was always, to them, my brother's "little sister." A lot of them were somewhat rebellious then, or at least that's how I saw them. Looking back, I think they were all just really a little more honest about life than the rest of us were willing to be.

So I'm hanging with their girlfriends, I'm at their apartments, I'm talking to them online and on the phone. One in particular, I'm actually very intersted in. Things tend to turn out in my life far differently than I every expect them to. Sometimes life surprises me by opening a door I didn't think would possibly open, even if it's exactly what I wanted. Other times, I slam doors closed behind me only to turn around and find them standing wide open, unlocked and pulling me back through. And I think I'm just going to let this one happen.