Spirituality?

When I left my church, I kind of went into this crazy spin. I needed out of my house, out of my town, away from everything that reminded me of all that had happened. Throughout all of junior high and high school, I felt completely trapped in this world of lies and pain – I had no youth group, the pastor I had trusted for eight years was trying to sue my dad, my mom was having an emotional break down, and I was angry – so, incredibly angry.

Now that’s it’s been a few years, I’ve experienced so much more of life than I probably would have (or should have) if I had never left. I think I needed that in ways, but I’ve come to a point where I’m questioning so much more of my spirituality than I was initially.

I’m not sure where exactly God fits in my life right now. Church used to be everything for me and my family. I was there every Sunday at least twice, Wednesdays, and usually at least two more times through out the week. It’s where all my friends were, where all my mentors were. If I was doing something fun, it was there. If I was doing something involving leadership, it was there. Most of my church peers went to my Christian high school. I was ridiculously immersed in the church – both the positive parts and the crock of shit they teach you and believe.

Sometimes I feel like the God I believed in there doesn’t even exist. The God I know now seems to have a completely different heart and skin to him. Honestly, I think if the Church met God on the street today, at least the God I believe in, they would hate him, demolish him, kill him. I think in a way, they already have killed him with lies and rules and standards. I don’t fit those standards anymore. I like myself a lot more now.

But I was taught how to interact with the god my church believed in. I was taught how to believe, I was taught about the realm he lived in, and told I had insight and discernment into that entire world. I was taught how to pray – sometimes even how to pray to get what I wanted. I was taught how I had to respect those in authority and not question them. I know the last part is bullshit now. And I’m questioning the rest of it.